Andrew Bolt is an appealing & mild-mannered gent

I've never really paid much attention to Mr. Bolt. Except for on occassion when I've felt like a little light entertainment. Debating his fantastical Herald Scum ditties would be kind of like accepting a dual with a mentally challenged orang-utan on acid who was too busy dry-humping a flagpole to put up much of a fight. In fact it would be very much like this. It would be possibly cruel & definitely pointless.

I naturally expected that in the flesh he would be hideous - tufts of hair sprouting from the nose, fangs, somewhat resembling the Incredible Hulk. In short like a cross between Stan Zemaneck & Alan Jones. I'm sure anyone who has read his words would assume that he would have an equally ugly manner.

But have you seen the man?


I saw him again last night on Lateline & was struck afresh by how inoffensive & reasonable he appears.

He wears beige.
He speaks in an even, clear & unhurried fashion.
He has nice (enough) hair. And none of it seems to be protruding from his nose.

Of course everything he says is hyperbolic insanity but he utters his faff in such a calm way that you could almost be lulled into believing he is a human being.

IT IS VERY SCARY

What if he goes into politics (you know, officially?) Eeeek.

Or is it just me? Please say it's just me. Take a squiz at my array of ex's & you'll no doubt conclude that I am not very skilled in the art of character judgement. Yes, let's hope it's just me.

Dirty words

Recently I have been delving into the world of Facefuck & was so delighted when a group I established was joined by over 150 facefuckers in a matter of days. Days, people. I'm a leader! I have my finger on the pulse! I hear what the people want & I give it to them.

What the people want is cunt.

I had daydreams about our group "I don't find the word cunt offensive, cunts are friendly, in my experience" revolutionising the Aussie lexicon. No longer would the precious & much maligned term be used as an insult, cunt would become synonymous with, well - with cunt. People would only be refered to as cunt if they were found to be deep, warm & delightful. There would be an explosion of babies named 'Cuntha' & 'Cuntid' & 'Cuntella'.

Then Facefuck pulled my group.

They said:

"The group "I don't find the word cunt offensive, cunts are friendly, in my experience" has been removed because it violated our Terms of Use. Among other things, groups that are hateful, threatening, or obscene are not allowed. We also take down groups that attack an individual or group, or advertise a product or service. Continued misuse of Facebook's features could result in your account being disabled."

It is a weird & Orwellian horror fact that we live in times when the most powerful & noisiest amongst us can pull the words from our throats & send them spinning them off in crazy directions that we never intended.
Scary that our ears are so easily persuaded to change their understanding of words seemingly against our will & nature simply 'cos someone big & powerful shouts loud enough.
If you say the word 'Islam' to me I have a lot of immediate associations. Many of which are not positive. They are fearful & illogical & at odds with my heart & mind, they annoy the hell out of me but still they come because big people have pushed the associations long & loud enough & I have done the human thing & soaked it all up.

It's been done to 'feminism'
It's been done to 'refugees'
It's been done to 'disco'

Now the Libs are trying to do it to unions. DON'T LET THEM. I've had e-bloody-nough! Unionism is NOT A DIRTY WORD folks! I ♥ Unions t-shirts all round please!

It's on! & they're off!

The election has been called at long bloody last & while Howard & Rudd run around like chooks with their heads cut off, Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk alone stands calm with her feet on the ground - an oasis of true-blue clarity in a treacherous political landscape.

Forget 60 minutes of faff & morning insanity with Mel & Cockhead - Jules went straight to the streets, straight to her people for a little good old-fashioned peak hour honk action.







The exercise was a success. There were no crashes. There were several honks (even when we weren't standing in the middle of the road). If people couldn't read the signs it didn't deter them too much - except for one woman who wound down her window to shout "what are you protesting for?" - Jules, always the quick thinker, replied quick as a flash - "various things". Honks followed.

What can ten bucks buy these days?

An evening with...

Legends of Motorsport

check 'em

The Town Bikes

check 'em

Melbourne Ukulele Kollective

check 'em

The Alex Jarvis Band

check 'em

Chris Smith

check 'im

Mzzz Erin Tasmania

check 'er

A warm fuzzy feeling

&, of course, a chance to meet, greet & show your support for fluoro green candydate Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk



PLUS - A peek at the new range of Julie Dunk undergarments "practical and spiffy"
PLUS - we're offsetting the event to make it carbon neutral 'cos we're onto it, kids. Not only that but we're going to bung in a couple of extra trees so the evening will actually have a positive effect on the environment. Capital Ideas estimates that the gig will remove the equivalent amount of carbon from the atmosphere as if everyone had stayed home in darkened rooms & held their breath for a few hours. It will probably be more fun, too.

Come.

Friday 12th October 8pm
East Brunswick Club
280 Lygon st

*There will be prizes for the most Aussiest Orrstrayliana outfit
*All profits will go to saving the world.

Aussie Citizenship Test: useless load of faff

So now potential new citizens will be required to take a test to see just how Aussie they really are. Though, we fear, after having a glance at the practice questions it seems the test is more about finding out how "Aussie Aussie Aussei Oi Oi Oi" they really are. Some of these questions - oh lordy lord! Here's a little taster for you:

Which one of these Australians is famous for playing cricket?
<01>

Rod Laver

<02>

Sir Donald Bradman

<03>

Sir Hubbert Opperman

To be fair not all the questions are so innane. There is one about Australian flowers. We like flowers. They are pretty.

Indeed some of the questions, well they just don't go far enough.
One question asks potential citizens to recite a line from the national anthem. What bloody use is that? Sure, they may be able to quote the words, but can they sing it?
& can they sing it in tune? & can they sing it in tune whilst doing a dance, accompaning themselves with a largerphone & wearing in their hair a sprig of whatever the hell our national flora is?
That's what we'd like to know.

Useful stuff.

Oh! It's good to be alive!

Enough of doom & gloom. Today I feel something like springtime - something like happiness. The sun is shining & a delightful thing has happened.
I was reading the paper this morning & couldn't help remarking on a headline that said Shane Warne & Simone are calling it quits "forever". 'Forever' is such a dramatic term. At least they didn't say "forever & ever & ever".
The young gentleman drinking coffee with me said "he sent a text message to her by accident".
I laughed. You see, I thought he'd made a joke. I thought he'd told me a hilarious joke.


he hadn't.

Warney did indeed send a text message meant for his new lover to his wife.

Oh Shane - don't you ever stop texting - blessings to you & your over-active thumbs x.