Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Pace of Change in Australia: a Snail Race

The official alternative to the Melbourne Cup seeing as all the horses are sick

from midday
Section 8 Bar - Tattersals lane, next to Shanghai Dumpling

Be sure not to miss the most exciting sporting/social event of the year!
Australia's top racing snails will battle it out in a race to the death! Only the winner will survive - the rest will be squished & fed to a chook.

Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk will do a dance!
Musos will muse!
The barbie will burn & the snails will achieve death or glory.
Plus we'll have a big screen so you can watch the horsies sneeze around the track, if you're into that kind of thing... (& provided we can get reception - otherwise we'll have the radio on & will illustrate the excitement through the powerful art of interpretive dance)

The stables are bristling with talented molluscs, we've got:

Rudd, Howard, Dick Smith, Ned Kelly, Steve Irwin, The Stingray, Slim Dusty, Cathy Freeman, Bob Brown, Ben Cousins, Moonface, Delta, Pauline Hanson, David Oldfield, Allan Jones, Kamal, Rupert Murdoch, Bindi Irwin, The ghost of Crazy John, Kylie Minogue, Kyle Sandilands, Lindy Chaimberlain, The Dingo, & John So.

Snails can be purchased for $5 a pop with all profits going to the Aussie Jules campaign. The winning steed will be presented to its new owner along with a nifty trophy.

Entertainment kicks off at midday with the race being held at 2:30 sharp. Get there on time as it promises to be a lightning swift event.

Ladies & gents wear your finest fascinators please as there will be an award for best dressed.

B.Y.O. snags. Escargot will be provided.

To reserve a snail contact capitalideas2007@gmail.com

Friday, October 26, 2007

Bring on Movember

I hope all you fellas are getting ready to throw out your razors for Movember 'cos I want to be having this much fun in a month's time...

grow your mo here

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Andrew Bolt is an appealing & mild-mannered gent

I've never really paid much attention to Mr. Bolt. Except for on occassion when I've felt like a little light entertainment. Debating his fantastical Herald Scum ditties would be kind of like accepting a dual with a mentally challenged orang-utan on acid who was too busy dry-humping a flagpole to put up much of a fight. In fact it would be very much like this. It would be possibly cruel & definitely pointless.

I naturally expected that in the flesh he would be hideous - tufts of hair sprouting from the nose, fangs, somewhat resembling the Incredible Hulk. In short like a cross between Stan Zemaneck & Alan Jones. I'm sure anyone who has read his words would assume that he would have an equally ugly manner.

But have you seen the man?

I saw him again last night on Lateline & was struck afresh by how inoffensive & reasonable he appears.

He wears beige.
He speaks in an even, clear & unhurried fashion.
He has nice (enough) hair. And none of it seems to be protruding from his nose.

Of course everything he says is hyperbolic insanity but he utters his faff in such a calm way that you could almost be lulled into believing he is a human being.


What if he goes into politics (you know, officially?) Eeeek.

Or is it just me? Please say it's just me. Take a squiz at my array of ex's & you'll no doubt conclude that I am not very skilled in the art of character judgement. Yes, let's hope it's just me.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Dirty words

Recently I have been delving into the world of Facefuck & was so delighted when a group I established was joined by over 150 facefuckers in a matter of days. Days, people. I'm a leader! I have my finger on the pulse! I hear what the people want & I give it to them.

What the people want is cunt.

I had daydreams about our group "I don't find the word cunt offensive, cunts are friendly, in my experience" revolutionising the Aussie lexicon. No longer would the precious & much maligned term be used as an insult, cunt would become synonymous with, well - with cunt. People would only be refered to as cunt if they were found to be deep, warm & delightful. There would be an explosion of babies named 'Cuntha' & 'Cuntid' & 'Cuntella'.

Then Facefuck pulled my group.

They said:
"The group "I don't find the word cunt offensive, cunts are friendly, in my experience" has been removed because it violated our Terms of Use. Among other things, groups that are hateful, threatening, or obscene are not allowed. We also take down groups that attack an individual or group, or advertise a product or service. Continued misuse of Facebook's features could result in your account being disabled."

It is a weird & Orwellian horror fact that we live in times when the most powerful & noisiest amongst us can pull the words from our throats & send them spinning them off in crazy directions that we never intended.
Scary that our ears are so easily persuaded to change their understanding of words seemingly against our will & nature simply 'cos someone big & powerful shouts loud enough.
If you say the word 'Islam' to me I have a lot of immediate associations. Many of which are not positive. They are fearful & illogical & at odds with my heart & mind, they annoy the hell out of me but still they come because big people have pushed the associations long & loud enough & I have done the human thing & soaked it all up.

It's been done to 'feminism'
It's been done to 'refugees'
It's been done to 'disco'

Now the Libs are trying to do it to unions. DON'T LET THEM. I've had e-bloody-nough! Unionism is NOT A DIRTY WORD folks! I ♥ Unions t-shirts all round please!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

It's on! & they're off!

The election has been called at long bloody last & while Howard & Rudd run around like chooks with their heads cut off, Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk alone stands calm with her feet on the ground - an oasis of true-blue clarity in a treacherous political landscape.

Forget 60 minutes of faff & morning insanity with Mel & Cockhead - Jules went straight to the streets, straight to her people for a little good old-fashioned peak hour honk action.

The exercise was a success. There were no crashes. There were several honks (even when we weren't standing in the middle of the road). If people couldn't read the signs it didn't deter them too much - except for one woman who wound down her window to shout "what are you protesting for?" - Jules, always the quick thinker, replied quick as a flash - "various things". Honks followed.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

What can ten bucks buy these days?

An evening with...

Legends of Motorsport

check 'em

The Town Bikes

check 'em

Melbourne Ukulele Kollective

check 'em

The Alex Jarvis Band

check 'em

Chris Smith

check 'im

Mzzz Erin Tasmania

check 'er

A warm fuzzy feeling

&, of course, a chance to meet, greet & show your support for fluoro green candydate Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk

PLUS - A peek at the new range of Julie Dunk undergarments "practical and spiffy"
PLUS - we're offsetting the event to make it carbon neutral 'cos we're onto it, kids. Not only that but we're going to bung in a couple of extra trees so the evening will actually have a positive effect on the environment. Capital Ideas estimates that the gig will remove the equivalent amount of carbon from the atmosphere as if everyone had stayed home in darkened rooms & held their breath for a few hours. It will probably be more fun, too.


Friday 12th October 8pm
East Brunswick Club
280 Lygon st

*There will be prizes for the most Aussiest Orrstrayliana outfit
*All profits will go to saving the world.

Thursday, October 4, 2007