Sunday, September 30, 2007

Aussie Citizenship Test: useless load of faff

So now potential new citizens will be required to take a test to see just how Aussie they really are. Though, we fear, after having a glance at the practice questions it seems the test is more about finding out how "Aussie Aussie Aussei Oi Oi Oi" they really are. Some of these questions - oh lordy lord! Here's a little taster for you:

Which one of these Australians is famous for playing cricket?
  • Rod Laver

  • <02>
  • Sir Donald Bradman

  • <03>
  • Sir Hubbert Opperman

  • To be fair not all the questions are so innane. There is one about Australian flowers. We like flowers. They are pretty.

    Indeed some of the questions, well they just don't go far enough.
    One question asks potential citizens to recite a line from the national anthem. What bloody use is that? Sure, they may be able to quote the words, but can they sing it?
    & can they sing it in tune? & can they sing it in tune whilst doing a dance, accompaning themselves with a largerphone & wearing in their hair a sprig of whatever the hell our national flora is?
    That's what we'd like to know.

    Useful stuff.

    Tuesday, September 25, 2007

    Oh! It's good to be alive!

    Enough of doom & gloom. Today I feel something like springtime - something like happiness. The sun is shining & a delightful thing has happened.
    I was reading the paper this morning & couldn't help remarking on a headline that said Shane Warne & Simone are calling it quits "forever". 'Forever' is such a dramatic term. At least they didn't say "forever & ever & ever".
    The young gentleman drinking coffee with me said "he sent a text message to her by accident".
    I laughed. You see, I thought he'd made a joke. I thought he'd told me a hilarious joke.

    he hadn't.

    Warney did indeed send a text message meant for his new lover to his wife.

    Oh Shane - don't you ever stop texting - blessings to you & your over-active thumbs x.

    Friday, September 14, 2007

    Howard & Costello: star crossed lovers or destined for splitsville?

    There are some couples who possess an undeniable passion for one another which can't be ignored- as nauseating as we may find thoughts of that passion. Our parents, for example. Thankfully Howy & Costly are not such a couple. We are blissfuly free of visions of them engaged in lovey-dovey trysts behind closed doors. Such a thing would be unthinkable: THEY HATE EACH OTHER!

    So what's all this Howard-Costello-Yay-Team rah rah rah baloney?

    Come on! These two make as likely a love match as a wombat & a cobra. They are as well suited as Diana & Charles, Michael Jackson & Lisa-Marie Presley, the one at the keyboard now & pretty much everyone she's ever pashed.

    In short: they should get restraining orders & stay the hell away from each other & quit telling Australia they're in luuurve & are working as a 'team' 'cos we just don't buy it.

    Wednesday, September 12, 2007

    Thank the High Heavens Howy is as big a tool as we've always thought


    We've been holding our breath for a few days, friends. The Libs have been rumbling & bumbling & squabbling with the kind of inane directionless in-fighting that reminds us of... well the ALP, to be frank. For a moment we thought Howy was going to capitulate & hand over the leadership to the Costly one, not with grace, certainly, but at least with a reluctant acknowledgement that the electorate has finally woken up to his absolute fuckwittiness. Thank goodness his extreme arrogance didn't waver now, at the moment when we need it most.

    With the prospect of Howy at the helm our excitment has been growing that the Lib ship is headed for a spectacular wrecking on judgement day. Costello, though, is a whole different kettle of fish. Fuckwit, to be sure, but his hands are a lot less bloodied & there's a real chance that the Ostrayaan people might want to give him a burl. Shudder. There's a certain serpentine charm to Costello that pasty duddsy Ruddsy might struggle to match, no matter how much Mandarin wisdom he spouts.

    But, for now, it seems Howy has his little claws gripped firmly around the neck of the leadership.
    Bless his antique logic, bless.x.

    Sunday, September 9, 2007

    Jules speaks out about her saucy love

    "When I think of ‘sauce’, I am immediately transported to some of the happier moments of my life

    - celebrating my 7th birthday party with a smorgasboard of party pies and sausage rolls, being shouted childhood lunches of hot chips and burgers on road-trips at Aussie takeaways, and of course my first ‘pash’ at Skate-plus followed by a tasty battered sav that I ate – all of these glorious moments were invariably commemorated with and consolidated by the delightful addition of the blessed condiment of TOMATO SAUCE – an festive and noble Australian institution that must be revered.

    I cannot believe that this grand enhancer of foods is currently so unjustly under fire!

    I ask you to think back to a time when you’ve been down in the dumps, under the pump or feeling just plain dull. Who was there for you? I’ll bet your bottom dollar that sauce was there. And sauce remains there for us - whether it be to smother a pie or just to squirt a little comfortingly on the side of a mixed plate of salad and BBQ foods. Sauce is a constant. Sauce loves. Sauce does not judge.

    Recently, when one of our fellow Australians decided to season the national flag of our

    good friends in the U.S of A,

    he was indubitably only striving to add a little zest, flavor, and piquancy to the constitution.

    We must rejoice in such a man and his sauce."

    Julie Dunk

    Friday, September 7, 2007

    Aussie Jules stands firm on sauce

    In one of the first tests of her character in this electoral campaign Ms. Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk has shown herself to be a strong & determined candidate. As news broke today that squirting tomato sauce is now considered a terrorist offence Ms. Dunk refused to back down from her staunchly pro-sauce position.

    Stay tuned for an exclusive interview with Ms. Dunk on the matter or view the rest of her policies & contact her directly here

    Wednesday, September 5, 2007

    Toonight!!! FREE! You hear us? FREEEEEE

    The indomitable Mzzz Erin Tasmania presents the inaugural gathering of S.U.B.S
    Society for the Upkeep of Bohemian Spirit

    416 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy
    9416 3942

    see youse there

    Saturday, September 1, 2007

    effin' dynamite effigies


    seller says:
    Engineered and designed by the White Bread Mexican Production Universe to serve the Australian people with an outlet to take out their anger and frustration on the little man, each little pin prick makes the man squirm. The 100% handcrafted dolls are made from re-used linen and are stuffed with high quality furniture stuffing stuff. They come complete with a set of 40 multi-coloured pins and instruction manual. Packaged in recycled cardboard boxes with hand drawn design.
    *As used by Michael Franti (Hippy musician)
    * can also be used as a pin cushion
    Or mailorder:

    Our world is happier now that it is inhabited by these little dolls. They even have their own myspace page where you can join the love-in .x.