Torture 101: Persecution made easy

With increasing pressure to close Guantanamo & all the hoo-ha after Abu Ghraib it's getting harder & harder (though FAR from impossible) for the fascist zealots amonst us to respond to their natural urges & inflict some pain & humiliation on the powerless.
What are they to do? They can lock up & deport the innocent as in the case of Haneef & countless asylum seekers. & there're always land grabbing 'interventions' to be had.. but, frankly, it's just not as satisfying as a bit of biffo.

Now Capital Ideas does not condone or support violence - but isn't denying the 'right' to torture to those for whom it so obviously comes naturally akin to torture itself? All the thugs in power are trying to do is flex their animalistic muscles, should we suppress their bestial instincts? Isn't that like cruelty to animals? Cap Ideas abhors cruelty to animals.

Quite the conundrum.

The most humane thing to do, we reckon, is to ween them off their torture habits. With this in mind we have identified some new forms of torture that they can use as they attempt to transition into the compassionate society we want them to. Listen up, Libs! These tortures are undetectable! They leave no scars(at least not physical ones)

<01>

Google technique

For this torture all that is required is a chair, a binding device (gaffer tape will suffice), a computer & access to the internet (it is more effective if the connection is really slow so it's perfect for Australian conditions!).
The terrorist* suspect is strapped to the chair & made to google the name of their ex. Repeatedly. For those suspected of particularly heinous crimes the technique can be stepped up a notch by compelling them to enter the name of their ex in combination with the hot temptress from across the road or that guy/chick from the pub that they always flirted with.
torture ranking 7/10

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Drop crotch technique

Suspect should be made to wear these. In public.

If you tell them how hot they look they may even continue to wear them after released from the torture chamber which would provide an added protection for the community. Ain't no-one striding down the aisle to hi-jack a plane in these beauties - these are strictly waddle-only dacks.
torture ranking 5.5/10

O.k. that's enough for today we think - this isn't the dark ages, you know!

*Cap Ideas apologises for the use of this word. 'Terrorism' is a construct. Those described as 'terrorists' are actually often crimminals, baddies, fuckwits or guerilla fighters but are defined as 'terrorists' by those who would like to scare the light out of our days. Don't buy it folks.