Thursday, August 30, 2007

Torture 101: Persecution made easy

With increasing pressure to close Guantanamo & all the hoo-ha after Abu Ghraib it's getting harder & harder (though FAR from impossible) for the fascist zealots amonst us to respond to their natural urges & inflict some pain & humiliation on the powerless.
What are they to do? They can lock up & deport the innocent as in the case of Haneef & countless asylum seekers. & there're always land grabbing 'interventions' to be had.. but, frankly, it's just not as satisfying as a bit of biffo.

Now Capital Ideas does not condone or support violence - but isn't denying the 'right' to torture to those for whom it so obviously comes naturally akin to torture itself? All the thugs in power are trying to do is flex their animalistic muscles, should we suppress their bestial instincts? Isn't that like cruelty to animals? Cap Ideas abhors cruelty to animals.

Quite the conundrum.

The most humane thing to do, we reckon, is to ween them off their torture habits. With this in mind we have identified some new forms of torture that they can use as they attempt to transition into the compassionate society we want them to. Listen up, Libs! These tortures are undetectable! They leave no scars(at least not physical ones)

  • Google technique

    For this torture all that is required is a chair, a binding device (gaffer tape will suffice), a computer & access to the internet (it is more effective if the connection is really slow so it's perfect for Australian conditions!).
    The terrorist* suspect is strapped to the chair & made to google the name of their ex. Repeatedly. For those suspected of particularly heinous crimes the technique can be stepped up a notch by compelling them to enter the name of their ex in combination with the hot temptress from across the road or that guy/chick from the pub that they always flirted with.
    torture ranking 7/10

  • <02>
  • Drop crotch technique

    Suspect should be made to wear these. In public.

    If you tell them how hot they look they may even continue to wear them after released from the torture chamber which would provide an added protection for the community. Ain't no-one striding down the aisle to hi-jack a plane in these beauties - these are strictly waddle-only dacks.
    torture ranking 5.5/10

  • O.k. that's enough for today we think - this isn't the dark ages, you know!

    *Cap Ideas apologises for the use of this word. 'Terrorism' is a construct. Those described as 'terrorists' are actually often crimminals, baddies, fuckwits or guerilla fighters but are defined as 'terrorists' by those who would like to scare the light out of our days. Don't buy it folks.

    Brawk! Brawk brawkbrawkbrawk BrAWWWK!! (cluck cluck)

    Yes, that's right. Capital Ideas is chicken. We were all geared up to delve into the cold cold world of right wing righteousness with the aim of finding out what makes 'em tick, honest we were. But our learned friend at Typing is not Activism beat us to the punch & what he found was so depressing that we've decided to put off our lout-scouting for a while...
    But we're not going to go too light & fluffy. In fact - today kids we'll be tackling torture: a how-to guide.

    Sunday, August 26, 2007

    Sorrow Day

    6 years since Tampa

    89 still languish in limbo on Nauru

    Countless lives, hopes & dreams squished

    We simply cannot comprehend how anyone could vote for the Libs knowing the horror & inhumanity of their 'Pacific Solution'
    Surely such cruelty is a deal-breaker* which wipes out any other reason for voting their way?
    Unfortunately this is not a sure thing & we're not sure why. So. We're gonna find out. Capital Ideas is going to track down a bunch of gen-u-ine Libs & pick their brains & ask them hard hitting questions such as why? WHY?


    Then we will formulate a simple method for deprogramming their poor misled & warped minds. X . stay tuned...

    *we are SO sorry for this expression. Not sure where exactly it came from though we fear Dr. Phil... & now that it's written we can't think of any other way of saying it. Ewwww. Ick ick ick. Americanz cultcha haz chewed our brainz!

    Saturday, August 25, 2007

    We learnt a new word.

    It seems our leaders are revealing hitherto unsuspected levels of dexterity, flexibility & acrobatic skill. They appear to have done a complete backflip on the issue of nuclear power. With mid-air half-turn double-pike wrist flap included. Hmmm. Seemingly impressive but Cap Ideas suspect there might be more than meets the eye here. Call us wet blankets (though we do prefer wet cumrags) but aren't our leaders a bunch of straighty-180˚ stiff stick-in-the-mud types? Could it be that what we have witnessed is a sleight of hand, a trick of perspective, a fib?

    see Age article

    One thing is for certain: We have learnt a new word. & what a pretty word it is.

    Just days ago the PM was saying the location of nuclear reactors would be determined by purely 'commercial' interests. Now he's come out saying that actually that's not the case at all - instead there will be 'binding plebiscites' to determine if communities accept reactors in their areas.

    Plebiscite: 1 the direct vote of all the electors of a country etc. on an important public question.2 the public expression of a community's opinion, with or without binding force.

    It is little wonder that we (or at least the one at the keyboard now) didn't know this word. Community consultation hasn't really existed for the past decade or so.
    The thing is - why would they be introducing it now? Could they be serious? Or could it be that they're merely playing fancy word stunts to impress before the election?

    Wednesday, August 22, 2007

    Howy, can we lend you a hand?

    Yep, it's finally happened. It was inevitable, really: the Lib spin doctors have finally spun out of control. They've gone completely loop-de-loop & twirled right around the bend.

    The Age has reported that millions of dollars that the Commonwealth has claimed to spend on Indigenous affairs has, you know, not been spent at all. Well that's not entirely fair- some of it has been spent but if we're gonna get all technical it has not been spent to benefit Indigenous communities. Included in the $$ figure that the Gov has used to show what caring-sharing folk they are is $30 million it promoted as being for Aborigines but actually "used to oppose indigenous native title and compensation claims".

    Let's think about this for a moment: oppose native title & compensation claims


    If this new whacky topsy-turvy logic word-play is adopted nation-wide Capital Ideas predicts chaos in the legal system. Surely most convicted felons will be appealing their sentences now that they realise their actions have merely been misunderstood.

    Violent Criminal? 'Oh no, your honour, I wasn't hurting anyone, I was just lending a hand - it was for their own good.'
    Bank robber? 'Oh no, your honour, I wasn't nicking cash, I was just lending a hand - it was for their own good.'
    Pedophile? 'Oh no, your honour.....'

    Yes the consequences could be far-reaching.

    Monday, August 20, 2007

    Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk - set to run!

    Julie Dunk has responded to public pressure & announced her intention to run as an Independent for the house of representatives, Melbourne electorate. The shopping centre entertainer favours clothing that reflects her political stance (hence her predilection for green frocks) &, if elected, has promised COMPLETE transparency.

    Check out Ms Dunk & send her your policy suggestions via her blog site or her myspace page

    Friday, August 17, 2007

    You heard it here first, folks

    We have just received confirmation - the official APEC conference costume will be the design predicted by the Cap Ideas crew. Intrepid gonzo reporters at the Big Stink Guide have managed to smuggle out this snapshot of Howard from deep behind the right wing trenches-

    It may look a little slap-dash but John has been very busy - what with rushing the new NT Indigenous Intervention laws through Parliament & all. & what the costume lacks in fine tailoring it makes up for in the strength of its symbolism. Nobody could argue that it isn't a perfect representation of a government that insisted the new laws be exempt from the Racial Discrimination Act.



    Thursday, August 16, 2007

    Bob will you marry us?

    We would turn for Bob. & we are aware that for much of the Cap Ideas team this would require a change of gender not just orientation. But we LOVES him.

    Bob. a seemingly lone voice against the horrors in the N.T.

    Sunday, August 12, 2007

    Ways to unwind after a hard day of politicking

    A day spent at a politically motivated photo-shoot that goes somewhat like this:

    & a little like this

    can be inspiring, but also exhausting

    We find a great way to unwind is to make some arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt

    then pash your co-conspirators

    then pash the dinner guest

    then pash everyone

    • then tell each other how great your arrrrrt is

    • then tell each other how great you are at kissing

    • then re-pash

    • pash pash pashpashpash

    • then dance

    Wednesday, August 8, 2007

    SBS stand by their Dateline man

    SBS employee Leigh Bancroft sent us the following response to our concerns about their presentation of a 'dossier' mentioning Dr Haneef:

    "Thank you for your email regarding Dateline’s report last week on the Indian police dossier on Mohammed Haneef.

    The document was printed from the computer of a leading Bangalore police officer, who told David O’Shea that the dossier was for O’Shea’s “background” on the police inquiry into Dr Haneef’s activities. Mr O’Shea approached Bangalore’s Police Commissioner for comment, but was refused an interview. Approaches were also made to India’s Justice Minister and Attorney-General, and to Dr Haneef and his family, but Dateline was told that no interviews would be given.

    Dateline agrees that further exploration of the document would have been ideal. However, the program believed that, as the document came from a legitimate and highly-placed police source, it was appropriate for it to be brought to the attention of the public with a response from Dr. Haneef’s lawer.

    The program’s ‘fleshing out’ of details of the document with David O’Shea in the form of an interview with George Negus was intended to provide additional detail on how the dossier was obtained, of what interpretations could be drawn from it.

    Dateline thanks you for taking the time to write with your views on this matter."

    Hmmm. We still think that in a matter of such gravity a bit more bloody caution wouldn't have gone astray. Somehow we think they would have been explaining themselves to quite a few people after that one...

    Kate models this season's hottest accessory

    When you're this damn fineit's wise to protect your clothes against the inevitable attention you'll receive

    or if the mood passes....

    the rags make handy target practise

    Tuesday, August 7, 2007

    Liberal research finds Howy Old & Dishonest

    You mean they are only just realising this now? Add waaaaaay out of touch to the list, please.

    *Breaking News!! Capital Ideas has just been informed of the contents of a footnote to the research dossier. It reads: 'Tuesday invariably follows Monday, fire is hot & Today Tonight is achingly offensive to all who have souls'. Hmmm, enlightening folk those Lib researchers.

    Sunday, August 5, 2007

    APEC conference costume sneak preview!

    Even though he's gone on record saying that Australians find Muslim garb "confronting" we've always suspected that Howard's had a certain fondness for frocking up. We've therefore been eagerly awaiting news of what costumes the great Style-Meister and Janette will choose for the forthcoming APEC conference. It appears the wait is over. Howard has today thrown his support behind a remarkable Ku Klux Klan style outfit modelled by an Australian Army officer in the Northern Territory.

    The outfit will be perfect for the conference as it is light and airy with good sun protection and really does accurately reflect the ideals of our current Government.

    Fashion is a controversial business, of course, & there have already been a few nay-sayers. Howard has been quick to defend the striking ensemble warning against "over-reaction" and promoting it as enabling wearers to "let off steam". Defence Minister Brendan Nelson is also backing the white hoody - applauding it as representative of the lovable "irreverence" of Australian Troops. Indeed. Nothing like a spot of cross-burning and black-fella lynching to really rejoice in the Aussie spirit.

    We can't think why Indigenous communities would be

    nervous about guys who dress like this coming onto their land, can you?

    Saturday, August 4, 2007

    Sisters cum to the party

    Howard swallows our pride

    Capital Ideas have received enqiries recently from women interested in acquiring a cumrag but concerned that they may not find them as useful as a man would.
    The ladies at Capital Ideas HQ would like to assure our sisters out there that we have found the cumrags very handy indeed. We believe that everybody in the community, in matters both sexual and political, can sometimes find themselves slip-sliding out of control. Our Howard cumrags are great for anyone who wants to get a grip on the situation.

    So - are the cumrags suitable for both genders? In the words of one CapIdeas Fluffer Woman:
    "Yes, yeees, yesyesyesyesyes Oh. God. Yes YES YEss!!!! mmm yes."

    Thursday, August 2, 2007

    Oh, SBS. For shame & tut -tut!

    George Negus was positively salivating at the prospect of an SBS exclusive on last night's Dateline- the first since... ever!

    "A fascinating piece," he said to the blushing reporter, David O'Shea, & later, "Well done!"

    The exclusive information obtained? An Indian "police dossier" on Haneef handed to O'Shea by an officer whose identity, he made a point of saying, would be protected.
    Pity that, 'cos it appears he forgot to ask the cop ANYTHING of importance to shed light on the purpose or content of the dossier & now no-one else will have a chance.
    In fact, O'Shea seemed to have ants in his pants, such was his hurry to get the dossier onto telly before any pesky enlightening facts could get in the way.

    David O'Shea: "When he gave me the document and I saw the word al-Qaeda I quickly put the document in my bag so he wouldn't take it back off (the al-Qaeda reference) seems like almost a throw away comment...It's difficult to tell."

    Capital Ideas: So why didn't you ask, O'Shea?

    George Negus "The English is a bit garbled for a start, isn’t it? Maybe something got lost in translation"

    "Perhaps, this is the question."

    So why didn't you ask, O'Shea?

    "“Must have come into contacts with members of terrorist entities.” (says the document) Where is the evidence?"

    Why didn't you ask, O'Shea?

    "...this heading "Overall assessment”, if that is the overall assessment that the Indian police are making or made perhaps at the beginning of the investigation, this is the other question, when exactly was this document written. Was it written in response to a request by the AFP or from the British police? Was it written as a response to something they had gleaned from the British or Australian newspapers? There are questions to be asked."

    So why didn't you ask, O'Shea?

    "if he (dossier author) had of prefaced that remark, with the words according to UK and Australian police or even UK and Australian media that Mohamed Haneef must have come into contact with members of terrorist entities and assisted, that would have made more sense and you and I probably wouldn't be sitting here now and talking about it."

    Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And it would have been bye-bye exclusive wouldn't it, boys? Honestly, we think there'd be more conclusive evidence to be gleaned from reading Haneef's tea-leaves than this dossier. But don't worry, SBS, I'm sure our fine upstanding Government & press won't take advantage of your shonky reporting to further blacken a man's good name.

    The dossier (which we advise you print off & use as toilet paper) states:

    Under the heading "Organisational set up":

    “Alleged links with Al Qaida”

    Under the heading “Overall assessment”:

    “After having his education in Karnataka, Mohamed Haneef must have come into contacts with the members of terrorist entities and assisted..”

    Under "General information":

    “Mohamed Haneef is suspected to have rended assistance to the prime accused persons in the Glasgow Airport blast attempt.”

    Oh, big deal & for shame.

    Wednesday, August 1, 2007

    Pearls of wisdom from our PM

    "...better to be safe than sorry"

    Howard's recent statements in regards to the horrific treatment of Haneef have fascinated and concerned us for several reasons.
    First off it's worrying that he seems to be stuck in some kind of parallel universe where the word 'safe' is interchangeable with the phrase 'despicably inhumane persecutors'.
    Also of interest is that he was able to utter the s-s-s-s-s-sorry word at all (there, now that wasn't so hard to wrap your lips around, was it Johnny?)
    But perhaps most troubling of all is that he appears to be sourcing his speech-writers from a pool of people whose talents clearly lie in the field of pillow/tea-towel/apron/greeting-card slogans. And NOT hip crafty typeseither.
    'better safe than sorry'?? - if you insist on going down the folksy homespun wisdom line you could at least be a bit imaginative about it.

    To help the PM out we've decided to gather together some sayings that we think he should include in his repertoire. We believe they are every bit as insightful as all the other stuff he's been saying lately & if he fears he may not be able to remember them all we'd be happy to crotchet them onto a toilet-seat cover for the Kirribilli loo.

    • If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging

    • A good thing to remember, and a better thing to do, is work with the construction gang and not the wrecking crew

    • Angels say "halo" to everyone

    • A person can fail many times but it isn't a failure until he begins to blame others

    • A house is made of brick and stone ... a home is made of love alone

    • A hug a day keeps the meanies away

    • A person who thinks too highly of himself has farther to fall when he fails

    • A little sugar for the chef can make the cookin' mighty sweet

    • A dog is a dog, but a cat is a purrrrrson