Night Market Monday at Section 8

yarrrr

♥ JOY ♥

by Jamin
www.jamin.com.au

Orstrayliana Election Day Extravaganza

As the nation holds its breath to see if regime change will be delivered Cap Ideas is headed down to Section 8 for a day of festivities to celebrate all that is Aussie & all that is oy oy

Go vote at the booths cnr. Swanston & Collins st then come to Section 8 for:

Regime change shenanigans

featuring:

Treetops
Made For Chickens by Robots
John Howard Ladies Auxiliary Fan Club - pushing the race card
Julie "Aussie Jules" Jules dunk - fluoro green candydate dancing for her people
Baboon Brothers
Casionova
Stevie Irwin will descend from the heavens for a rematch with the stingray
Political Arrrt
Howard & Rudd Pinatas - who will crack first?
Radical Housewives Baking Club & Terrorist Society presenting tasty MUFFins
Howard cumrags for all early-cummers
BBQ
Plus a BIG telly to broadcast the nail-biting excitement live
Election colouring in books
Spit the Howard dummy pacifier-spit contest - with great prizes including a fairer distribution of wealth, better health care, education & environmental protection plus a nifty t-shirt.
& more

Free!!

Did we say it's free? 'Cos it is - FREEEEE!!!!

11:30am 'till late

Section 8 Container Bar, 27-29 Tattersalls Lane City (next to Shanghai Dumpling)


(free)

The Pace of Change in Australia: a Snail Race

The official alternative to the Melbourne Cup seeing as all the horses are sick

from midday
Section 8 Bar - Tattersals lane, next to Shanghai Dumpling

Be sure not to miss the most exciting sporting/social event of the year!
Australia's top racing snails will battle it out in a race to the death! Only the winner will survive - the rest will be squished & fed to a chook.

Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk will do a dance!
Musos will muse!
The barbie will burn & the snails will achieve death or glory.
Plus we'll have a big screen so you can watch the horsies sneeze around the track, if you're into that kind of thing... (& provided we can get reception - otherwise we'll have the radio on & will illustrate the excitement through the powerful art of interpretive dance)

The stables are bristling with talented molluscs, we've got:

Rudd, Howard, Dick Smith, Ned Kelly, Steve Irwin, The Stingray, Slim Dusty, Cathy Freeman, Bob Brown, Ben Cousins, Moonface, Delta, Pauline Hanson, David Oldfield, Allan Jones, Kamal, Rupert Murdoch, Bindi Irwin, The ghost of Crazy John, Kylie Minogue, Kyle Sandilands, Lindy Chaimberlain, The Dingo, & John So.

Snails can be purchased for $5 a pop with all profits going to the Aussie Jules campaign. The winning steed will be presented to its new owner along with a nifty trophy.

Entertainment kicks off at midday with the race being held at 2:30 sharp. Get there on time as it promises to be a lightning swift event.

Ladies & gents wear your finest fascinators please as there will be an award for best dressed.

B.Y.O. snags. Escargot will be provided.

To reserve a snail contact capitalideas2007@gmail.com

Bring on Movember

I hope all you fellas are getting ready to throw out your razors for Movember 'cos I want to be having this much fun in a month's time...



grow your mo here

Andrew Bolt is an appealing & mild-mannered gent

I've never really paid much attention to Mr. Bolt. Except for on occassion when I've felt like a little light entertainment. Debating his fantastical Herald Scum ditties would be kind of like accepting a dual with a mentally challenged orang-utan on acid who was too busy dry-humping a flagpole to put up much of a fight. In fact it would be very much like this. It would be possibly cruel & definitely pointless.

I naturally expected that in the flesh he would be hideous - tufts of hair sprouting from the nose, fangs, somewhat resembling the Incredible Hulk. In short like a cross between Stan Zemaneck & Alan Jones. I'm sure anyone who has read his words would assume that he would have an equally ugly manner.

But have you seen the man?


I saw him again last night on Lateline & was struck afresh by how inoffensive & reasonable he appears.

He wears beige.
He speaks in an even, clear & unhurried fashion.
He has nice (enough) hair. And none of it seems to be protruding from his nose.

Of course everything he says is hyperbolic insanity but he utters his faff in such a calm way that you could almost be lulled into believing he is a human being.

IT IS VERY SCARY

What if he goes into politics (you know, officially?) Eeeek.

Or is it just me? Please say it's just me. Take a squiz at my array of ex's & you'll no doubt conclude that I am not very skilled in the art of character judgement. Yes, let's hope it's just me.

Dirty words

Recently I have been delving into the world of Facefuck & was so delighted when a group I established was joined by over 150 facefuckers in a matter of days. Days, people. I'm a leader! I have my finger on the pulse! I hear what the people want & I give it to them.

What the people want is cunt.

I had daydreams about our group "I don't find the word cunt offensive, cunts are friendly, in my experience" revolutionising the Aussie lexicon. No longer would the precious & much maligned term be used as an insult, cunt would become synonymous with, well - with cunt. People would only be refered to as cunt if they were found to be deep, warm & delightful. There would be an explosion of babies named 'Cuntha' & 'Cuntid' & 'Cuntella'.

Then Facefuck pulled my group.

They said:

"The group "I don't find the word cunt offensive, cunts are friendly, in my experience" has been removed because it violated our Terms of Use. Among other things, groups that are hateful, threatening, or obscene are not allowed. We also take down groups that attack an individual or group, or advertise a product or service. Continued misuse of Facebook's features could result in your account being disabled."

It is a weird & Orwellian horror fact that we live in times when the most powerful & noisiest amongst us can pull the words from our throats & send them spinning them off in crazy directions that we never intended.
Scary that our ears are so easily persuaded to change their understanding of words seemingly against our will & nature simply 'cos someone big & powerful shouts loud enough.
If you say the word 'Islam' to me I have a lot of immediate associations. Many of which are not positive. They are fearful & illogical & at odds with my heart & mind, they annoy the hell out of me but still they come because big people have pushed the associations long & loud enough & I have done the human thing & soaked it all up.

It's been done to 'feminism'
It's been done to 'refugees'
It's been done to 'disco'

Now the Libs are trying to do it to unions. DON'T LET THEM. I've had e-bloody-nough! Unionism is NOT A DIRTY WORD folks! I ♥ Unions t-shirts all round please!

It's on! & they're off!

The election has been called at long bloody last & while Howard & Rudd run around like chooks with their heads cut off, Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk alone stands calm with her feet on the ground - an oasis of true-blue clarity in a treacherous political landscape.

Forget 60 minutes of faff & morning insanity with Mel & Cockhead - Jules went straight to the streets, straight to her people for a little good old-fashioned peak hour honk action.







The exercise was a success. There were no crashes. There were several honks (even when we weren't standing in the middle of the road). If people couldn't read the signs it didn't deter them too much - except for one woman who wound down her window to shout "what are you protesting for?" - Jules, always the quick thinker, replied quick as a flash - "various things". Honks followed.

What can ten bucks buy these days?

An evening with...

Legends of Motorsport

check 'em

The Town Bikes

check 'em

Melbourne Ukulele Kollective

check 'em

The Alex Jarvis Band

check 'em

Chris Smith

check 'im

Mzzz Erin Tasmania

check 'er

A warm fuzzy feeling

&, of course, a chance to meet, greet & show your support for fluoro green candydate Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk



PLUS - A peek at the new range of Julie Dunk undergarments "practical and spiffy"
PLUS - we're offsetting the event to make it carbon neutral 'cos we're onto it, kids. Not only that but we're going to bung in a couple of extra trees so the evening will actually have a positive effect on the environment. Capital Ideas estimates that the gig will remove the equivalent amount of carbon from the atmosphere as if everyone had stayed home in darkened rooms & held their breath for a few hours. It will probably be more fun, too.

Come.

Friday 12th October 8pm
East Brunswick Club
280 Lygon st

*There will be prizes for the most Aussiest Orrstrayliana outfit
*All profits will go to saving the world.

Aussie Citizenship Test: useless load of faff

So now potential new citizens will be required to take a test to see just how Aussie they really are. Though, we fear, after having a glance at the practice questions it seems the test is more about finding out how "Aussie Aussie Aussei Oi Oi Oi" they really are. Some of these questions - oh lordy lord! Here's a little taster for you:

Which one of these Australians is famous for playing cricket?
<01>

Rod Laver

<02>

Sir Donald Bradman

<03>

Sir Hubbert Opperman

To be fair not all the questions are so innane. There is one about Australian flowers. We like flowers. They are pretty.

Indeed some of the questions, well they just don't go far enough.
One question asks potential citizens to recite a line from the national anthem. What bloody use is that? Sure, they may be able to quote the words, but can they sing it?
& can they sing it in tune? & can they sing it in tune whilst doing a dance, accompaning themselves with a largerphone & wearing in their hair a sprig of whatever the hell our national flora is?
That's what we'd like to know.

Useful stuff.

Oh! It's good to be alive!

Enough of doom & gloom. Today I feel something like springtime - something like happiness. The sun is shining & a delightful thing has happened.
I was reading the paper this morning & couldn't help remarking on a headline that said Shane Warne & Simone are calling it quits "forever". 'Forever' is such a dramatic term. At least they didn't say "forever & ever & ever".
The young gentleman drinking coffee with me said "he sent a text message to her by accident".
I laughed. You see, I thought he'd made a joke. I thought he'd told me a hilarious joke.


he hadn't.

Warney did indeed send a text message meant for his new lover to his wife.

Oh Shane - don't you ever stop texting - blessings to you & your over-active thumbs x.

Howard & Costello: star crossed lovers or destined for splitsville?

There are some couples who possess an undeniable passion for one another which can't be ignored- as nauseating as we may find thoughts of that passion. Our parents, for example. Thankfully Howy & Costly are not such a couple. We are blissfuly free of visions of them engaged in lovey-dovey trysts behind closed doors. Such a thing would be unthinkable: THEY HATE EACH OTHER!

So what's all this Howard-Costello-Yay-Team rah rah rah baloney?

Come on! These two make as likely a love match as a wombat & a cobra. They are as well suited as Diana & Charles, Michael Jackson & Lisa-Marie Presley, the one at the keyboard now & pretty much everyone she's ever pashed.

In short: they should get restraining orders & stay the hell away from each other & quit telling Australia they're in luuurve & are working as a 'team' 'cos we just don't buy it.

Thank the High Heavens Howy is as big a tool as we've always thought

Well.

We've been holding our breath for a few days, friends. The Libs have been rumbling & bumbling & squabbling with the kind of inane directionless in-fighting that reminds us of... well the ALP, to be frank. For a moment we thought Howy was going to capitulate & hand over the leadership to the Costly one, not with grace, certainly, but at least with a reluctant acknowledgement that the electorate has finally woken up to his absolute fuckwittiness. Thank goodness his extreme arrogance didn't waver now, at the moment when we need it most.

With the prospect of Howy at the helm our excitment has been growing that the Lib ship is headed for a spectacular wrecking on judgement day. Costello, though, is a whole different kettle of fish. Fuckwit, to be sure, but his hands are a lot less bloodied & there's a real chance that the Ostrayaan people might want to give him a burl. Shudder. There's a certain serpentine charm to Costello that pasty duddsy Ruddsy might struggle to match, no matter how much Mandarin wisdom he spouts.

But, for now, it seems Howy has his little claws gripped firmly around the neck of the leadership.
Bless his antique logic, bless.x.

Jules speaks out about her saucy love

"When I think of ‘sauce’, I am immediately transported to some of the happier moments of my life

- celebrating my 7th birthday party with a smorgasboard of party pies and sausage rolls, being shouted childhood lunches of hot chips and burgers on road-trips at Aussie takeaways, and of course my first ‘pash’ at Skate-plus followed by a tasty battered sav that I ate – all of these glorious moments were invariably commemorated with and consolidated by the delightful addition of the blessed condiment of TOMATO SAUCE – an festive and noble Australian institution that must be revered.



I cannot believe that this grand enhancer of foods is currently so unjustly under fire!



I ask you to think back to a time when you’ve been down in the dumps, under the pump or feeling just plain dull. Who was there for you? I’ll bet your bottom dollar that sauce was there. And sauce remains there for us - whether it be to smother a pie or just to squirt a little comfortingly on the side of a mixed plate of salad and BBQ foods. Sauce is a constant. Sauce loves. Sauce does not judge.



Recently, when one of our fellow Australians decided to season the national flag of our

good friends in the U.S of A,

he was indubitably only striving to add a little zest, flavor, and piquancy to the constitution.

We must rejoice in such a man and his sauce."



Julie Dunk

Aussie Jules stands firm on sauce

In one of the first tests of her character in this electoral campaign Ms. Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk has shown herself to be a strong & determined candidate. As news broke today that squirting tomato sauce is now considered a terrorist offence Ms. Dunk refused to back down from her staunchly pro-sauce position.



Stay tuned for an exclusive interview with Ms. Dunk on the matter or view the rest of her policies & contact her directly here

Toonight!!! FREE! You hear us? FREEEEEE

The indomitable Mzzz Erin Tasmania presents the inaugural gathering of S.U.B.S
Society for the Upkeep of Bohemian Spirit shenanigans-a-rama

8pm
Palookaville
416 Brunswick Street, Fitzroy
9416 3942

see youse there
x

effin' dynamite effigies

LITTLE JOHNNY HOWARD VOODOO DOLLS

seller says:

Engineered and designed by the White Bread Mexican Production Universe to serve the Australian people with an outlet to take out their anger and frustration on the little man, each little pin prick makes the man squirm. The 100% handcrafted dolls are made from re-used linen and are stuffed with high quality furniture stuffing stuff. They come complete with a set of 40 multi-coloured pins and instruction manual. Packaged in recycled cardboard boxes with hand drawn design.
*As used by Michael Franti (Hippy musician)
* can also be used as a pin cushion
AVAILABLE EXCLUSIVELY AT POLYESTER BOOKS FITZROY.
WWW.POLYESTER.COM.AU
Or mailorder: whitebreadmexican@gmail.com

Our world is happier now that it is inhabited by these little dolls. They even have their own myspace page where you can join the love-in .x.

Torture 101: Persecution made easy

With increasing pressure to close Guantanamo & all the hoo-ha after Abu Ghraib it's getting harder & harder (though FAR from impossible) for the fascist zealots amonst us to respond to their natural urges & inflict some pain & humiliation on the powerless.
What are they to do? They can lock up & deport the innocent as in the case of Haneef & countless asylum seekers. & there're always land grabbing 'interventions' to be had.. but, frankly, it's just not as satisfying as a bit of biffo.

Now Capital Ideas does not condone or support violence - but isn't denying the 'right' to torture to those for whom it so obviously comes naturally akin to torture itself? All the thugs in power are trying to do is flex their animalistic muscles, should we suppress their bestial instincts? Isn't that like cruelty to animals? Cap Ideas abhors cruelty to animals.

Quite the conundrum.

The most humane thing to do, we reckon, is to ween them off their torture habits. With this in mind we have identified some new forms of torture that they can use as they attempt to transition into the compassionate society we want them to. Listen up, Libs! These tortures are undetectable! They leave no scars(at least not physical ones)

<01>

Google technique

For this torture all that is required is a chair, a binding device (gaffer tape will suffice), a computer & access to the internet (it is more effective if the connection is really slow so it's perfect for Australian conditions!).
The terrorist* suspect is strapped to the chair & made to google the name of their ex. Repeatedly. For those suspected of particularly heinous crimes the technique can be stepped up a notch by compelling them to enter the name of their ex in combination with the hot temptress from across the road or that guy/chick from the pub that they always flirted with.
torture ranking 7/10

<02>

Drop crotch technique

Suspect should be made to wear these. In public.

If you tell them how hot they look they may even continue to wear them after released from the torture chamber which would provide an added protection for the community. Ain't no-one striding down the aisle to hi-jack a plane in these beauties - these are strictly waddle-only dacks.
torture ranking 5.5/10

O.k. that's enough for today we think - this isn't the dark ages, you know!

*Cap Ideas apologises for the use of this word. 'Terrorism' is a construct. Those described as 'terrorists' are actually often crimminals, baddies, fuckwits or guerilla fighters but are defined as 'terrorists' by those who would like to scare the light out of our days. Don't buy it folks.

Brawk! Brawk brawkbrawkbrawk BrAWWWK!! (cluck cluck)

Yes, that's right. Capital Ideas is chicken. We were all geared up to delve into the cold cold world of right wing righteousness with the aim of finding out what makes 'em tick, honest we were. But our learned friend at Typing is not Activism beat us to the punch & what he found was so depressing that we've decided to put off our lout-scouting for a while...
But we're not going to go too light & fluffy. In fact - today kids we'll be tackling torture: a how-to guide.

Sorrow Day

6 years since Tampa

89 still languish in limbo on Nauru

Countless lives, hopes & dreams squished

We simply cannot comprehend how anyone could vote for the Libs knowing the horror & inhumanity of their 'Pacific Solution'
Surely such cruelty is a deal-breaker* which wipes out any other reason for voting their way?
Unfortunately this is not a sure thing & we're not sure why. So. We're gonna find out. Capital Ideas is going to track down a bunch of gen-u-ine Libs & pick their brains & ask them hard hitting questions such as why? WHY?

WHYYYYY????

?
Then we will formulate a simple method for deprogramming their poor misled & warped minds. X . stay tuned...

*we are SO sorry for this expression. Not sure where exactly it came from though we fear Dr. Phil... & now that it's written we can't think of any other way of saying it. Ewwww. Ick ick ick. Americanz cultcha haz chewed our brainz!

We learnt a new word.

It seems our leaders are revealing hitherto unsuspected levels of dexterity, flexibility & acrobatic skill. They appear to have done a complete backflip on the issue of nuclear power. With mid-air half-turn double-pike wrist flap included. Hmmm. Seemingly impressive but Cap Ideas suspect there might be more than meets the eye here. Call us wet blankets (though we do prefer wet cumrags) but aren't our leaders a bunch of straighty-180˚ stiff stick-in-the-mud types? Could it be that what we have witnessed is a sleight of hand, a trick of perspective, a fib?

see Age article

One thing is for certain: We have learnt a new word. & what a pretty word it is.

Just days ago the PM was saying the location of nuclear reactors would be determined by purely 'commercial' interests. Now he's come out saying that actually that's not the case at all - instead there will be 'binding plebiscites' to determine if communities accept reactors in their areas.

Plebiscite: 1 the direct vote of all the electors of a country etc. on an important public question.2 the public expression of a community's opinion, with or without binding force.

It is little wonder that we (or at least the one at the keyboard now) didn't know this word. Community consultation hasn't really existed for the past decade or so.
The thing is - why would they be introducing it now? Could they be serious? Or could it be that they're merely playing fancy word stunts to impress before the election?

Howy, can we lend you a hand?

Yep, it's finally happened. It was inevitable, really: the Lib spin doctors have finally spun out of control. They've gone completely loop-de-loop & twirled right around the bend.

The Age has reported that millions of dollars that the Commonwealth has claimed to spend on Indigenous affairs has, you know, not been spent at all. Well that's not entirely fair- some of it has been spent but if we're gonna get all technical it has not been spent to benefit Indigenous communities. Included in the $$ figure that the Gov has used to show what caring-sharing folk they are is $30 million it promoted as being for Aborigines but actually "used to oppose indigenous native title and compensation claims".

Let's think about this for a moment: oppose native title & compensation claims

Uh-huh.

If this new whacky topsy-turvy logic word-play is adopted nation-wide Capital Ideas predicts chaos in the legal system. Surely most convicted felons will be appealing their sentences now that they realise their actions have merely been misunderstood.

Violent Criminal? 'Oh no, your honour, I wasn't hurting anyone, I was just lending a hand - it was for their own good.'
Bank robber? 'Oh no, your honour, I wasn't nicking cash, I was just lending a hand - it was for their own good.'
Pedophile? 'Oh no, your honour.....'

Yes the consequences could be far-reaching.

Julie 'Aussie Jules' Dunk - set to run!

Julie Dunk has responded to public pressure & announced her intention to run as an Independent for the house of representatives, Melbourne electorate. The shopping centre entertainer favours clothing that reflects her political stance (hence her predilection for green frocks) &, if elected, has promised COMPLETE transparency.

Check out Ms Dunk & send her your policy suggestions via her blog site or her myspace page

You heard it here first, folks

We have just received confirmation - the official APEC conference costume will be the design predicted by the Cap Ideas crew. Intrepid gonzo reporters at the Big Stink Guide have managed to smuggle out this snapshot of Howard from deep behind the right wing trenches-

It may look a little slap-dash but John has been very busy - what with rushing the new NT Indigenous Intervention laws through Parliament & all. & what the costume lacks in fine tailoring it makes up for in the strength of its symbolism. Nobody could argue that it isn't a perfect representation of a government that insisted the new laws be exempt from the Racial Discrimination Act.

EXEMPT.

sheesh.

Bob will you marry us?

We would turn for Bob. & we are aware that for much of the Cap Ideas team this would require a change of gender not just orientation. But we LOVES him.

Bob. a seemingly lone voice against the horrors in the N.T.

http://www.bobbrown.org.au/500_parliament_sub.php?deptItemID=85

Ways to unwind after a hard day of politicking

A day spent at a politically motivated photo-shoot that goes somewhat like this:

& a little like this

can be inspiring, but also exhausting


We find a great way to unwind is to make some arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt

then pash your co-conspirators

then pash the dinner guest

then pash everyone

• then tell each other how great your arrrrrt is


• then tell each other how great you are at kissing


• then re-pash


• pash pash pashpashpash

• then dance
  
  

SBS stand by their Dateline man

SBS employee Leigh Bancroft sent us the following response to our concerns about their presentation of a 'dossier' mentioning Dr Haneef:

"Thank you for your email regarding Dateline’s report last week on the Indian police dossier on Mohammed Haneef.

The document was printed from the computer of a leading Bangalore police officer, who told David O’Shea that the dossier was for O’Shea’s “background” on the police inquiry into Dr Haneef’s activities. Mr O’Shea approached Bangalore’s Police Commissioner for comment, but was refused an interview. Approaches were also made to India’s Justice Minister and Attorney-General, and to Dr Haneef and his family, but Dateline was told that no interviews would be given.

Dateline agrees that further exploration of the document would have been ideal. However, the program believed that, as the document came from a legitimate and highly-placed police source, it was appropriate for it to be brought to the attention of the public with a response from Dr. Haneef’s lawer.

The program’s ‘fleshing out’ of details of the document with David O’Shea in the form of an interview with George Negus was intended to provide additional detail on how the dossier was obtained, of what interpretations could be drawn from it.

Dateline thanks you for taking the time to write with your views on this matter."

Hmmm. We still think that in a matter of such gravity a bit more bloody caution wouldn't have gone astray. Somehow we think they would have been explaining themselves to quite a few people after that one...

Kate models this season's hottest accessory

When you're this damn fineit's wise to protect your clothes against the inevitable attention you'll receive

or if the mood passes....

the rags make handy target practise

Liberal research finds Howy Old & Dishonest

You mean they are only just realising this now? Add waaaaaay out of touch to the list, please.

*Breaking News!! Capital Ideas has just been informed of the contents of a footnote to the research dossier. It reads: 'Tuesday invariably follows Monday, fire is hot & Today Tonight is achingly offensive to all who have souls'. Hmmm, enlightening folk those Lib researchers.

APEC conference costume sneak preview!

Even though he's gone on record saying that Australians find Muslim garb "confronting" we've always suspected that Howard's had a certain fondness for frocking up. We've therefore been eagerly awaiting news of what costumes the great Style-Meister and Janette will choose for the forthcoming APEC conference. It appears the wait is over. Howard has today thrown his support behind a remarkable Ku Klux Klan style outfit modelled by an Australian Army officer in the Northern Territory.

The outfit will be perfect for the conference as it is light and airy with good sun protection and really does accurately reflect the ideals of our current Government.

Fashion is a controversial business, of course, & there have already been a few nay-sayers. Howard has been quick to defend the striking ensemble warning against "over-reaction" and promoting it as enabling wearers to "let off steam". Defence Minister Brendan Nelson is also backing the white hoody - applauding it as representative of the lovable "irreverence" of Australian Troops. Indeed. Nothing like a spot of cross-burning and black-fella lynching to really rejoice in the Aussie spirit.

We can't think why Indigenous communities would be

nervous about guys who dress like this coming onto their land, can you?

Sisters cum to the party

Howard swallows our pride

Capital Ideas have received enqiries recently from women interested in acquiring a cumrag but concerned that they may not find them as useful as a man would.
The ladies at Capital Ideas HQ would like to assure our sisters out there that we have found the cumrags very handy indeed. We believe that everybody in the community, in matters both sexual and political, can sometimes find themselves slip-sliding out of control. Our Howard cumrags are great for anyone who wants to get a grip on the situation.

So - are the cumrags suitable for both genders? In the words of one CapIdeas Fluffer Woman:
"Yes, yeees, yesyesyesyesyes Oh. God. Yes YES YEss!!!! mmm yes."

Oh, SBS. For shame & tut -tut!

George Negus was positively salivating at the prospect of an SBS exclusive on last night's Dateline- the first since... ever!

"A fascinating piece," he said to the blushing reporter, David O'Shea, & later, "Well done!"

The exclusive information obtained? An Indian "police dossier" on Haneef handed to O'Shea by an officer whose identity, he made a point of saying, would be protected.
Pity that, 'cos it appears he forgot to ask the cop ANYTHING of importance to shed light on the purpose or content of the dossier & now no-one else will have a chance.
In fact, O'Shea seemed to have ants in his pants, such was his hurry to get the dossier onto telly before any pesky enlightening facts could get in the way.


David O'Shea: "When he gave me the document and I saw the word al-Qaeda I quickly put the document in my bag so he wouldn't take it back off me...it (the al-Qaeda reference) seems like almost a throw away comment...It's difficult to tell."



Capital Ideas: So why didn't you ask, O'Shea?





George Negus "The English is a bit garbled for a start, isn’t it? Maybe something got lost in translation"



"Perhaps, this is the question."




So why didn't you ask, O'Shea?





"“Must have come into contacts with members of terrorist entities.” (says the document) Where is the evidence?"




Why didn't you ask, O'Shea?





"...this heading "Overall assessment”, if that is the overall assessment that the Indian police are making or made perhaps at the beginning of the investigation, this is the other question, when exactly was this document written. Was it written in response to a request by the AFP or from the British police? Was it written as a response to something they had gleaned from the British or Australian newspapers? There are questions to be asked."


So why didn't you ask, O'Shea?






"if he (dossier author) had of prefaced that remark, with the words according to UK and Australian police or even UK and Australian media that Mohamed Haneef must have come into contact with members of terrorist entities and assisted, that would have made more sense and you and I probably wouldn't be sitting here now and talking about it."


Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And it would have been bye-bye exclusive wouldn't it, boys? Honestly, we think there'd be more conclusive evidence to be gleaned from reading Haneef's tea-leaves than this dossier. But don't worry, SBS, I'm sure our fine upstanding Government & press won't take advantage of your shonky reporting to further blacken a man's good name.




The dossier (which we advise you print off & use as toilet paper) states:

Under the heading "Organisational set up":

“Alleged links with Al Qaida”

Under the heading “Overall assessment”:

“After having his education in Karnataka, Mohamed Haneef must have come into contacts with the members of terrorist entities and assisted..”

Under "General information":

“Mohamed Haneef is suspected to have rended assistance to the prime accused persons in the Glasgow Airport blast attempt.”

Oh, big deal & for shame.